Blog Friday - Achievement

~ written for BlogFriday

Achievement

She sat in her bosses office wondering how she got here. How it was that as a grown woman her job could reduce her to tears and panic attacks.

How?

She learned, and then admitted years ago that she had a problem with work, and setting boundaries. She would rather work till she dropped, or ended up here in a heap of tears, barely able to breath, than admit that she could not handle it. She worked at creating a better balance in her life and for about 2 years she succeeded. That is she succeeded until "the next great project came along."

Achievement was too tied up in the opposing concepts of success OR failure. As it has been quoted, "failure is not an option." What then was where she sat now Crying and trying to explain why she "just can't work 12+ hour days for another day". Was admitting she couldn't do it succees; she was asking for help, or was asking for help a failure?

It was a failure on two levels, one she had asked before and before and before and the light at the end of the tunnel always lost it's glow within days of her asking, and two it was a failure because, well, she should be able to handle it.

She should? Says who? Says her that's who.

Her own worst critic, she didn't fear letting herself down, hell she was still figuring out what she wanted in the way of happiness nevermind achievement. She just knew she didn't want to, couldn't, fail, but most importanly she couldn't let others down or let others think she had failed. She would go down trying. The thing is, no one other than her ever said they were anything but proud of her. What the hell is she trying to prove and how could she get over trying to prove it?

Slowly, I have started to realize that "The Jones'" don't matter. Choosing to be child free is my choice. Owning my own home will come at the right time for me. It is an ongoing process. When it comes to work I still get sucked in. Can't say no, will work late until I practically collapse and then almost stop completely. Another pattern I am working on changing. It's strange this thing called "Achievement" which to me equals "Success". I don't have a great ending for this one. I have to ponder it more. It is almost a philosopical question for me. Are Achievements little things along the way and Success the overall accumulation of the smaller Achievements? Even more important - how do we get the perceptions of the importance of Achievement that we do?

Thoughts are very welcome.

(c)Michelle S. 2007.

All Rights Reserved

**I consider this and most all of work here works in progress. All constructive feedback is welcome.